What If Alanna Was Queen for A Week?
by x17SkmBdrchiczxx
Summary: King Jon and Queen Thayet leave the Palace at Chorus for a week and place Alanna in charge of ruling Tortall... Things could get sticky. Chapter 4 is up. R
1. Chapter 1

First comedy fic.. hope you like it...

warning: some of this stuff might sound extremely silly...lol

Dedication: to Meghan.. cuz you are AWESOME

Disclaimer: all belongs to Tammy

* * *

One late night in August King JonathanIII ruler over Tortall and the commander of the Dominion Jewel had an announcement to make to his wife Queen Thayet the Peerless.

"Thayet I think it's time for you, me, the kids, and Shinko to take a vacation." said Jon cracking his back. "I need to take some time off from all this ruling. It makes me, probably the toughest man of Tortall, weary."

Thayet smirked at the thought of Jon being the 'toughest man'.

"But honey ruling over Tortall is your job. You can't just leave your post for a week because you are getting weary of it." said Thayet. "The people of Tortall need you."

Jon grinned mischievously.

"That's why I have a champion." he said.

"What does this have to do with Alanna?" Thayet asked.

"You'll see dear," said Jon almost evilly. "You will see."

* * *

"You want me to do what?" Alanna shouted horrified. 

"For the tenth time Alanna," Jon said trying to resist banging his head against the wall. "All I want you to do is rule Tortall for a week while Thayet, the kids, Shinko, and I go on a vacation to Port Legann." He sighed. "I just want you to keep everything in check while I'm away. So will you do it?"

"Rule Tortall for a week hmm," Alanna said holding her chin with her hand making her look scholarly. "Hmm, total power, a nice room, a big bed (she grinned at this), and I did hear that your cook makes excellent parfait's."

"So will you do it?" Jon asked hope glistening in his sapphire blue eyes.

"But then again..."

Jon groaned.

"Alanna…" he whined.

"Jon shut up and hear me out." Alanna snapped. "But on the flip side, evil conservatives, icky balls, and I may have to use my brain."

"Your brain?" Jon repeated. "Shesh I don't use my brain to rule Tortall. Alanna you know I keep it locked away. It's just too heavy for me to carry around."

"No Jon you didn't tell me about not using your brain." said Alanna and then she mumbled. "But it does explain a lot." She then perked up. "So where do you keep your brain?"

"In the most secretive and guarded place in all of Tortall," Jon bragged.

"Let me guess, you hid it under your mattress." said Alanna.

"Shit." Jon cursed and then ran all the way to his rooms on the 6th floor (they were on the 1st) to go rehide his brain.

After a few minutes and many laughs later Jon was back, panting like a dog.

"You'll never find it now." said Jon proudly. "I hid it extra well."

"Let me guess, um your underwear draw?" she guessed sounding as innocent as she could.

"Damn." Jon cursed again and then he ran back to his rooms to rehide his brain, again.

After a few more times of Alanna's correct guesses and the process of rehiding Jon's brain, they both grew tired and bored.

"So you'll do it?" Jon asked. "You'll be queen of Tortall for a week?"

Alanna hesitated, but finally agreed.

"I'll do it Jon." said Alanna. "But not because I had strong feelings for you when I was a mere squire, but because I really want to have one of those parfaits."

"So mote it be." Jon said.

"So mote it be," said Alanna downing a glass of champagne.

-Let the fun begin-

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I hope you liked it.. please review.. comments, constructive criticism, support, all welcomed... 

Caiti


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah guys I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while.. I'll be honest.. BIG WRITERS BLOCK

Review responses:

Guardian of the Small- my first reviewer... ahh your awesome... thanks!... hope you review this chappie too...lalala..

nativewildmage- don't make fun of the norwayish people... they're like sweet.. but deff. not in soccer.. thanks for the reviewy..

Kaladelia Undomiel- update other books? what other books.. I haven't written any books.. at least not yet..lol... thanks for the awesome tips.. I'll keep them close to my heart...until I die.. being a tiny bit over dramatic.. but thanks...

music nerd- kid you totally inspired this chapter... high five.. sweetness.. keep the tips coming and I'll keep the chapters coming too... muchos gracias... and buena viaje!

stillerfan4ever- I'll try to not let you down.. and if I do for this chapter.. I am deeply sorry and my appologizes extend to you.. but on the flip side I pray you like it... thanks for the review

On Top of Cloud9- you my dear are so awesome.. thanks for like the constant reviews... kudos to you... cuz hey people don't get anymore awesomer than you... PEOPLE THIS GIRL IS AWESOME (oh and I do hope you are a girl.. I'll have to check on that later.. sorry if your a guy lol)

epobbp- thanks for the review... I hope you review again.. and a small question what in gods name does your pen name mean? not to be mean.. just wondering.. curiosity kills the cat and the satisfaction brought it back.. so they say.. bless the person who made that little thing up...lol outtie

Pink Squishy Llama- thank you.. I love that part too.. jon is just an idiot so many times so I had to put an explanation for his stupidness in.. chow (or however those frenchies say it)

Lela- of- Bast- I heart shrek and donkey.. actually surprisingly enough I didn't get my idea from that.. it just popped in my brain... so chea... thanks for the awesome review (I need a new adjective to replace awesome.. I swear I use it to much)

maliaphire- another one of my favorite, ever faithful reviewers.. I thank you with the depths of my soul..lol... thanks for the nioce review...

Tortal gal- I'm glad I got you laughing... and thanks for the compliment on my sense of humor.. cuz my friends say I have zippo in that department.. that will show them.. right?.. muchos gracias chica

so yes welcome to alannas cordination... take off in

5

4

3

2

1

Blast off!

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"Will you Sir Alanna of Pirates Swoop and Olau take this temporary crown and put it on your head?" a Mitharian priest dressed in an orange robe asked her.

"Jon I am not putting that crown on my head until I see some proof that I am getting some parfait's out of this!" Alanna snapped her foot tapping the ground impatiently. She was already mad enough that Jon had forced her to wear a dress to her coronation and now she had no proof that Jon's cook, Melinda, was going to make her a parfait when she was done with this stupid ceremony. "And another thing," She shrieked, "this ceremony, it's absolutely ridiculous. I mean who cares enough to go see me put a crown on my head and be queen for a week!"

Jon smacked his forehead in frustration. He just wanted to leave the palace as quickly as he could before the conservatives got up into his throat for putting his crazy champion on the throne.

"Alanna just put the frickin crown on your head, so I can get going." He shouted while he was standing in his swim trunks and he also had on sunglasses.

"No!" Alanna shot back. "We had a deal!"

Alanna turned away from him with her nose in the air like an outraged court lady.

Jon sighed and walked over to the Mitharian Priest. To the priests surprise Jon snatched the crown out of his hand.

"Jon I am going to-" Alanna began.

But before she could finish her sentence the crown was smashed on her head.

"Behold your new queen, sing her praises." said Jon quickly and then sprinted away before his shocked champion could tear after him with her sword.

Alanna's array of curses was drowned out by the sudden applause in the room.

The lady knight looked over at her husband, Baron George Cooper, who was wiping his eyes.

"That's my lass, Queen of Tortall." he whooped. "I am proud of ye'."

Alanna turned scarlet at his words and turned around to lash out at Jon to see that he wasn't there. He apparently snuck out the back door, leaving Alanna to address the court (including the feisty conservatives).

The room suddenly turned deaf quiet and the court now had their eyes glued on Alanna causing her to break out in a cold sweat.

She was never good at public speaking.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" the familiar voice of her ex Squire Nealan of Queenscove chanted breaking the silence.

This only flustered Alanna further.

"Queenscove…" she began to growl.

He still chanted on until Alanna heard a yelp coming from Neal and the glistening of a few shukusens.

Alanna smiled knowing that Kel and Yuki shut her ex Squire up.

Then the room again was deaf quiet.

Alanna took a deep breath.

_Well here goes nothing,_ She thought.

"People of Tortall lend me your ears." Alanna said adding a half hearted smile that was painful for her.

There was no response except a loud hacking cough by one of the older noble men.

"As you know I am to be your queen for a week. And I know this could be very scary for some of you if word has gotten around about my temper." A few chuckles arose from the crowd. This gave Alanna strength to continue. "I promise you that I will try and not do anything rash or so crazy that you will all hate me for the rest of your lives. I know some of you don't approve of me as a person." She looked out to the conservatives. "And I respect your opinions. But now guess what? I'm queen and your not. So eat it! Let's get out of here and enjoy the rest of this day. And unfortunately I will have to see you all at my coronation ball tonight. Thank you and now I will go eat my parfaits!"

And with that she ran off stage and into the king's (now queens) quarters.

"Melinda!" Alanna shouted.

A large and scary lady came through the door. She had brown curly hair and was bigger than a bear. She even had the looks of a bear cruel and ferocious. Her eyes were a piercing yellow giving her a malicious look.

_How does Jon put up with seeing someone so ugly every day?_ Alanna thought.

"Yes tiny one?" she asked her voice was very deep like a man's.

"Tiny one, that's no way to speak to the king's champion!" Alanna shouted outraged her temper boiling. "I'll show you tiny one."

She made a jump at the bigger woman. She expected to make impact, but failed to do so. Instead the large woman had picked her up by the collar and put Alanna on her bed (and not too softly I might add).

Melinda chuckled.

"Yes you are a tiny one with the temper of a small rodent deprived of its cheese." said Melinda chuckling. "Queen or no queen you still are puny."

Alanna growled.

"Now what do you want?" Melinda asked.

"I just want a parfait." Alanna cried. "All this week I've been waiting for this moment and now it's finally came. So Lindy could you whip up a parfait for me?"

Melinda burst into a cruel laughter.

"Little one we have no ice cream left." said Melinda. "Seems old King go sleep walking last nightand eat it all."

Alanna turned redder than her hair.

"What!" She screamed. "I've waited all this time just to have that idiot, Jon, eat all the ice-cream!"

"I'm afraid, short one that we will not get our next shipment of ice cream from Carthakwon't come for another week." said Melinda and then grinned like a happy hyena. "And then you will get no parfait because your queen ship will be over."

"Why can't Carthak ship it faster?" Alanna snapped.

"Carthak usually sends it in a few days, but when they heard you were on the throne for a week they put ice cream back a few days." said Melinda the hyena grin still planted on her face. "I guess they don't like you very much."

Alanna opened her mouth to retort, but thought better of it and stormed out of the room.

She ran all the way to the foreign ambassador's wing of the castle looking for the foreign ambassador's from Carthak.

As soon as she reached the door of the head ambassador Mikhail Sanjuana she pounded on it.

"Mikhail get yourself out here!" Alanna shouted. "You have a lot of explaining to do."

The door opened with a creak and a chubby man in his late fifty's tumbled out. He had white hair and looked very intimidating (A/N just imagine John Madden with darker skin).

"Yes queen Alanna," he said looking down upon her like she was nothing.

"Why did you cut off the ice cream supply Mikhail?" she growled.

He gave her a sly grin.

"That is none of your business," said Mikhail who pulled a twinkie out of his pocket and began to eat it, "queen or no queen Alanna of Pirate's Swoop, us Carthaginians are not very fond of you."

"How dare you!" Alanna shrieked. "How dare you insult me inside my own castle! You shall die by my sword!"

She pulled her sword out in a flash pointing it at the ambassador.

"Such strong words for such a small lady like yourself Queen Alanna." said Mikhail chuckling.

"What's with everyone calling me small?" Alanna demanded. "And plus my sword probably couldn't even puncture that layer of blubber you have anyway."

The ambassador turned red in the face and drew his sword.

"Is that a threat queeny?" he asked his words leaked in fury.

"I believe it is." said Alanna tensely.

But before they could duel each other Daine came running down the hall.

"Alanna, what in Mithros' name are you doing!" she shouted.

"About to make this whale die by my sword." said Alanna frankly.

"I do not have to stand for this foul treatment." Mikhail said furiously. "The Carthaki ambassadors will leave this repulsive country and its appalling queen, immediately. My emperor will hear of this Queen Alanna and he will not be happy at all."

"Just try me fatty I'll take down your whole country blindfolded!" Alanna said trying to hit the ambassador, but without success because Daine was holding her back.

"Alanna!" Daine cried. "Jon is going to murder you!"

"Fatty there deserves to be executed for his foul treatment towards me!" Alanna shouted back. "He won't insult Tortall and get away with it."

"Well guess what I just did." said Mikhail smirking. And with that he slammed the door hard in their faces.

"What have you done now Alanna?" Daine asked aloud to herself.

"He was being a jerk anyway Daine." said Alanna waving it off.

"Alanna I think you just ruined Tortall's relations with Carthak." Daine cried.

"Oh I'll fix it later," Alanna said grumpily. She grabbed the wildmage by the wrist. "Come on we need to get ready for that stupid ball."

* * *

that was bad wasn't it.. god I have no self esteem...lol... please do me a favor and review... I will sing your praises.. (whatever that means)

REVIEW

Thanks.. Gracias.. whateva

Your honorable authoress

Caiti

P.s. thanks meghan for betaing.. may the force be with you... lol


	3. Chapter 3

Another day another chapter.. yay

This is titled: Alanna's Party

Responses to my lovely Reviewers (you should become one too)

redflame1020- I'm glad you like it... I can sense your laughter from miles away.. you know like a sixth sense or soemthing.. cuz I got mad skills... Review MORE.. muah

KunoichiGodess- yeah I'm glad you like it.. I noticed that too.. I think my spell check did that lol... hope to see more reviews from you in the future wink wink

Kaladelia Undomiel- haha I know I was in the Cicero mood.. oh well... thanks for the review!

001ElvenWarrior- I knowI feel bad for jon.. for once... oh don't worry Alanna won't be the one screwing around in this chapter.. his name starts with meat and end with a head

Confusedknight- aww thanks.. I'm glad you like it... a parfait is a layered icecream thingy.. like in shrek when donkey is describing onions and layers... lol

LandUnderWave- I love jon bashing... yay for jon bashing... I hope you review.. again.. muhcos thanks

On top of cloud 9- yah she will make a bad queen... good thing she didn't marry jon.. oh jeez I can't even think of what would have happened... just checking lol.. about the girl thing.. you can never be too careful... oh and anytime

music nerd- no george isnt king cuz he isnt kings champion.. only alanna... and i like the national holiday thing. . I might just use it... but later... not now.. thank you!

maliaphire- ahh you never know about Carthak... they're always full of surprises.. muchos gracias times a milliion

Guardian of the Small- thanks for the grammar suggestions... I am never good at that stuff.. muchos gracias.. I am pretty sure this flows... for the most part..lol.. thank you lots!

nativewildmage- yay for norwayish people.. and of course may the force be with you.. when you review this chappie..lol.. thanks for like everything

Disclaimer: when I own something I'll let you know...

Alanna's going to have a party.. correction Alanna is going to stand there as neal throws a party for her.. so hold on to your hats because here we go...

Warning: extreme silliness does occur...

* * *

"Lass are ye ready for the ball?" a familiar voice called out pounding on the door. 

"No I'm not going George, and nobody's going to make me. I look ridiculous." Alanna snapped.

"You can't look that bad Alanna." said George calmly still on the other side of the door. "Daine wouldn't make you look bad."

When Alanna gave no response, George opened the door.

There was Alanna sitting on her bed surrounded by vigilant little animals. She was dressed in a purple strapless gown, which had no sleeves. She looked as pretty as George had ever seen her in a dress.

"You look gorgeous Alanna." George said frankly.

"Are you kidding me George Cooper?" Alanna shouted. "I hate dresses. I absolutely despise them! And what did Daine have to put on me, a dress!"

"You don't look bad though, lass." said George sitting beside her. "And if you don't mind me asking, but what's with all the animals?"

"Daine left them here to make sure I didn't take off my dress. If I did they would attack me." said Alanna looking hatefully at a little squirrel that snickered at her. "Shut up you little rat,"

The squirrel in return stuck its tongue out at Alanna that made the king's champion even madder than she was five seconds ago.

"Stupid Daine and her little precious animals, if I had my way I would put them all on shish kabobs and roast them all on an open fire." Alanna said angrily.

This caused a wave of squeaks and chirps of fury from the animals that surrounded her.

George chuckled. "I wouldn't be saying that lass. It looks like they have the upper hand here."

"Well if I had I had my sword it would be all over in ten seconds." Alanna snapped.

"I would like to see that." George mumbled.

"What was that George Cooper?" Alanna shrieked.

"Alanna the court awaits you." Daine's voice called from the other side of the door. "Oh and yes please don't threaten the animals they do get a little testy."

Alanna got up mumbling something about shish kabobs and little rats and then joined Daine in the hallway with George following behind her.

"Well the herald is going to announce you and then the ball is going to begin." said Daine. "Oh and yes Sir Nealan asked me to give this to you."

Daine held out a piece of paper with Neal's obvious what Alanna called 'hieroglyphic' handwriting on it.

Alanna's eyebrows rose in surprise as she took the note and began to read it suspecting the worse.

_My Dearest, Lovely, All Powerful, Sharp Tongued, Queen **Lady** Alanna, _

_It is to my joy and pleasure to announce that I your favorite and only exsquire Neal of Queenscove who I must state is not a 'meathead' I repeat not a 'meathead' is hosting your grand initiation ball. I know what you are thinking my lovely most precious queen that I, Neal (who is not a meathead) am going to make this the worst, most embarrassing moment of your life, but ah ha you are mistaken for I had help from my dear pal Sir Owen of Jeslaw the most jolliest man alive. The theme of this ball, yes you guess it –jolly times. Now don't be mad and curse because knowing you, yes I do know you, I have been unfortunately in your presence for four years as your lowly squire, I know that you are cursing up a storm and Daine must be threatening you right now to stop before the herald hears you. Don't worry my queen your party will be a blast. Just remember to be jolly and everything will be fine. I hope you know how to do the cha cha. _

_Love (not really),_

_Neal (who is not a meathead)_

Of course everything in Neal's note did come true. Alanna did curse up a storm and Daine did have to threaten her to shut up before the herald heard.

"But Daine did you read this?" Alanna shouted. "My stupid exsquire is running this ball or party or whatever you want to call it! He's a total meathead! So it's bound to be a disaster. When I get my hands on him I'll rip his head off and roast it on a shish kabob just like that stupid squirrel!"

"Alanna, Neal isn't that stupid, he's got enough brains to know not to embarrass you in front of the court." Daine said soothingly trying to calm down the already red in the face lady knight.

"Oh yes he will," said Alanna. "I know he will."

Someone cleared their throat behind Alanna causing her to jump. The herald stood there tapping his foot impatiently.

"Would you like to be announced, today, my Queen Alanna?" he asked with irritation.

"Ah shut it you," Alanna snapped. "Don't you see that I'm about to be screwed over?"

"I am deeply sorry my lady, but I don't really care that much. This is only my weekend job." said the herald snottily.

"Oh you won't have a weekend job when I'm done with you herald." Alanna growled.

"Fine," the herald snapped. "Just tell me how to announce you."

"Lady Knight Alanna of Pirates Swoop and Olau also King's Champion and temporary ruler," Alanna ordered.

"Fine my lady," said the herald who went outside to the grand staircase and shouted, ", presenting Lady Knight Alanna of Pirates Swoop and Olau also King's Champion and temporary ruler and her husband Baron George Copper of Pirate's Swoop."

Alanna gripped George's elbow tightly as she came out from the back room expecting the worst.

The room was dark and suddenly a spot light focused in on her and George.

"Put your hands together for Queen Alanna!" Neal's obvious voice boomed scaring the wits out of Alanna.

An eruption of cheers and applause was heard, but Alanna could still see no one because of the dark.

"Are you ready to party?" Neal shouted.

Alanna groaned as people roared a 'yes' in appreciation.

"Than let's get it on,"

Funky loud music suddenly was heard and the whole room lighted up all at once blinding Alanna.

The whole hall was filled with people cheering her. Alanna saw her friends and war buddies yelling the loudest which made her smile.

The room was decorated in almost all red and purple colors that made Alanna want to puke. A gigantic banner of Alanna hung from the wall was catching everyone's eyes. It had her standing there nobly wielding a sword. The band was in the corner and they looked like they just hit puberty. To Alanna's surprise everyone had on bizarre looking sombreros.

_This has to be the weirdest thing I have ever seen in all my days. _Alanna thought as she bite her tongue to keep herself from laughing.

As soon as Alanna took her seat at the head of the table pages in bright purple suits came out with large platters ready to serve the guest.

"Neal," Alanna whispered bitterly under her breath. She felt deeply sorry for the pages.

"You rang my queen." Neal drawled taking a seat next to Alanna. "How do you like it?"

Alanna was about to snap when she thought of all the time and effort Neal must of put into this party.

_Wow I'm thinking of actually showing compassion for Neal. Well that's an odd thought. _Alanna reflected.

"Um well it's quite um nice." Alanna lied shining a fake smile.

"You really like it?" Neal asked emerald green wide with shock.

"Uh yeah of course, the color scheme is quite ingenious." said Alanna chuckling nervously.

"I know I like it so much I was thinking of having my wedding just like it." said Neal grinning. "I haven't brought it up to Yuki yet, though."

_Oh Mithros that poor girl,_ Alanna thought sympathetically for Neal's betrothed. _How will she ever stand with living with such an idiot?_

"Well I need to go over to the band and smooth over a few details with them, my queen." said Neal grinning. "I hope you enjoy your dinner. It's my own recipe of macaroni and fluffenutter. It's been in my family for years. Toodles,"

"Oh Mithros help me," Alanna muttered under her breath.

"Uh, uh here you are Queen Alanna," A page said trembling holding out a dish of macaroni and fluffenutter.

"Oh joy," Alanna said taking the dish.

"You mean jolly Queen Alanna." said a familiar voice that belonged to Sir Owen of Jeslaw.

"No I meant joy." Alanna snapped. "You will not ever, even in my last days on this pitiful planet, catch me describing anything as 'jolly'."

Owen gasped in shock. "Please just say this party is jolly. Please, please, please?" he begged.

"Oh you are a pathetic knight Jeslaw." Alanna snapped. "I am never saying that this party is jolly. I'll just describe it as strange and weird words I would usually use to describe my exsquire."

Tears started trickling down his face. "How could you be so cruel?" he sobbed and then ran away to go complain to Neal.

"Jolly, what a gay word," Alanna mumbled.

Before she could get any breathing room Neal had reappeared.

"So do you like the macaroni and fluffenutter, Queen Alanna?" Neal asked.

"Queenscove I can't even get a second to think without you popping out like a damn rabbit." Alanna snapped.

"Well someone has a bad temper tonight!" Neal exclaimed. "Loosen up, it's your party."

"And I can be angry and pissy if I want too!" Alanna shot back.

"No that's not how the song goes," Neal said exasperated. "I think it's I can smile if I want to. No maybe it's dance. No maybe it's-"

"Just shut up meathead," Alanna snapped.

"Well sorry," said Neal.

Suddenly the band struck up a lively upbeat song.

"C'mon let's dance!" Neal said excited grabbing Alanna by the hand and pulling her to the dance floor.

"I will murder you Queenscove!" Alanna shouted. "Bloody murder you,"

Neal twirled Alanna around the floor with pure grace and skill. As the song got livelier Neal tossed Alanna up in the air that arose many shrieks from her. He caught her smoothly above his head and then doing a lively jig with her screaming bloody murder while he held her still above his head. The crowd started clapping as his tricks with her became more extreme.

Finally to Alanna's relief the song had stopped and Neal let her run to the bathroom to puke because she was a livid shade of green.

After her puking episode Alanna finally got to sit at her table in peace without having to eat her macaroni and fluffenutter or dance with her exsquire.

"Hello Alanna," this time it was Raoul with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"What do you want Raoul?" Alanna growled.

"Just wanted to congratulate you on your killer party." said Raoul clapping her on the back. Alanna's jaw dropped Raoul was actually having fun at a party. Where was this world coming to? All she could do was mumbled curses about her stupid exsquire.

"Uh thanks," Alanna supplied. "It was really Neal who thought of it all. He just has too much time on his hands and when that happens he can get pretty destructive."

This arose some chuckles from Raoul.

All the sudden Neal's voice rang clear in the room.

"Alanna get over here it's time to limbo!" he shouted waving her over.

"Oh no Queenscove you wouldn't catch me dead doing the limbo!" Alanna shot back.

"Raoul help me out and carry that party pooper over here!" Neal shouted.

"You wouldn't dare Raoul." Alanna said.

It was too late Raoul had picked her up despite her screams of protest and carried her over to the awaiting Neal.

"Welcome my lovely queen to our game of limbo," said Neal. "Here is your competition," He pointed to the small crowd standing there that consisted of: Kel, Dom, George, Daine, Numair, Yuki, Raoul, Buri, Wyldon, Owen, and Gary.

"Oh joy," Alanna mumbled.

"Why won't you say jolly?" Owen shouted in agony.

"Because um your mom," Alanna shot back.

"What about my mother?" Owen asked angrily.

"Both of you shut up," Neal cried. "I just want to do the limbo!"

"Fine," Owen and Alanna said in unison while continually giving each other death glares.

Secretly in both of their minds they were thinking that they would win the limbo competition to show each other up.

Neal blew a whistle.

"Let the games begin," he shouted gleefully.

The band struck up some limbo music as Daine went under the limbo stick perfectly to start off the first round.

Everyone survived the first round with ease until they lowered the bar slightly.

Daine went again perfectly and then it was Numair's turn.

The black robed mage was too tall and ended up hitting his head on the bar sending him on his back.

"Ouch," Alanna said as Daine rushed to help her husband up. He had a large bruise on his head and was muttering things Alanna couldn't understand.

The rest of the round went smoothly, but the round after that eliminated Raoul, Gary, Kel, Dom, and Wyldon since they were too tall.

The competition heated up with Owen, Alanna, Daine, George, Neal, Yuki and Buri still left.

Daine went first get under just barely. Owen went next determined not to lose and made it through, so did Alanna. Unfortunately George, Neal, Yuki, and Buri did not make it through to the next round which caused Neal to break into heavy sobs after Dom scorned him with chants of 'meathead'.

The next round Daine started up again.

She took a look at the pole sighed for a second and then shifted into a mouse and scurried under the pole, leaving her clothes behind.

"Hey no fair, no shape shifting!" Alanna and Owen shouted angrily in unison.

"I'm sorry Daine, Alanna and Owen are right." said Neal after recovering from his crying episode. "You're fired."

Everyone looked at Neal oddly.

"Sorry everyone I just always wanted to say that." said Neal apologetically. "What I mean to say Daine is that you are disqualified."

The mouse Daine let out a squeak of anger and started chattering with her hands are on her hips.

"Um Numair translate?" Alanna suggested.

"I'll take her back to her rooms I think she needs a time out." said Numair picking up the mouse Daine and put her in his palm.

"Okay Owen it's your turn." said Neal pointing to the limbo pole.

"The word jolly is the bestest." he shouted as he barely made it under the pole.

"Is not," Alanna challenged.

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Is too,"

"Is not,"

"Both of you just shut up!" Yuki shouted.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at the angry Yamani in shock. Neal was the most surprised of all his jaw literally hanging almost to the floor.

"Yu- Yuki, do you know you just were angry?" Neal asked stuttering.

"Yeah so what?" Yuki shot back her hands on her hips.

"I just never saw you without your Yamani mask on before." said Neal frankly. "It's weird seeing you without it."

"Oh no you didn't." Dom said.

"What do you mean by weird, meathead?" Kel and Yuki shouted in unison.

Dom patted his cousin on the back sympathetically.

"You're in for it now meathead." said Dom. "With any luck I might even think about coming to your funeral."

"Uh, dur," Neal began to babble mindlessly. "Please don't hurt me!" He fell onto his knees like a beggar.

"We'll let you off this time meathead." Kel said sharply. "But next time you'll have a little meeting with our shukusens first hand."

Neal gulped like any normal cowardly person does.

"I hate to interrupt this priceless moment, but I believe Queen Alanna must do the limbo." Owen announced. "So I can watch her fall in front of the whole court. Jolly shall prevail." Owen added crackling madly.

"Oh yes sorry," said Yuki.

"Maestro pump up the jams," Kel shouted.

The limbo music played once again and people began to chant Alanna's name.

Normally Alanna didn't get nervous, but now all eyes were on her. She took a deep breath and approached the limbo pole.

She leaned back slowly as a few people let out a few gasps. She was almost under.

_Just a little more, _Alanna thought.

But then in slow motion Alanna slipped on a tear puddle that Neal had left on the mat after his sobbing episode. It seemed like ages it took her to fall as her body gracefully curved landing on the mat.

"I won!" Owen shouted. "This is the jolliest day of my life. I beat Lady Alanna." He began to do a jolly dance.

Alanna stayed still, defeated, on the mat not moving. She was still shocked that she lost to such a dweeb like Owen of Jeslaw.

"It's okay lass you did well." George said giving her a hand.

Alanna took it and George lifted her up.

"I feel like such a fool." she mumbled.

"That's right Alanna I won, you lost oh yeah!" Owen shouted still doing his happy dance. "Go me and my jolliness,"

"Gah kill me now George." Alanna said.

"I will never let you live this down, Alanna." Neal shouted.

This made Alanna lose it.

"Oh and the rest of the court won't let you live this down either." Alanna snapped giving Neal a wedgie.

Everyone burst out laughing as Alanna pulled Neal's emerald green colored underwear up above his head and making it cover over his eyes.

"Why is this world so cruel?" Neal sobbed.

"Because you are a meathead," Dom supplied.

"And because you're a complete idiot for making fun of me, Alanna the Lioness." she snapped.

"And believe me that's not jolly." Owen said.

As soon as Neal got his underpants out of his eyes it was time for desert which consisted of another of Neal's family recipes Mouse Pie with a side of sour marshmallows.

"The Queenscove family must be a bunch of weirdoes." Alanna mumbled to George.

"Actually I like it." said George munching happily. "Reminds me of my Grandmother Cookie Cooper, ah what an amazing chef, she makes the best chipmunk stew."

Alanna started to turn green.

"Oh dear Mithros please stop." she moaned. "I think I am going to be sick."

"And those peanut butter covered jerky sticks, delicious." George said smacking his lips. "Reminds me of the good old days,"

Before he could reminisce anything more Alanna made a mad dash too the bathroom to puke some more.

The party ended an hour later when Neal ran around obviously intoxicated screaming.

"Look at me I have shoes for hands." He screamed.

It was true Neal had his shoes on his hands and was hugging random people. He too ended the night with a puking fit like Alanna.

The King's Own had to be called in and Neal was thrown into the stocks for the night.

So Alanna's initiation party was over. It was time to get down to some serious business.

* * *

Oh yeah I have skill... I hope you people liked it... oh and with the part when daine shape shifts or whatever.. I got that line that owen and alanna shout from the incredibles you know.. like hey no force field... you guys are probably like yeah.. right... crazy lady... muah... yay for updating.. and please review because you love me... 

Ya'll ready for this?  
Ya'll ready for this?  
Whoomp there it is!  
Hitman!  
Pump up the Jam, Yo Pump it Up, Yo Pump it  
This is Your Night  
Be Aggressive, Be, Be Aggressive  
HIT IT!  
Ya'll ready for this?

next chapter: Idk.. but It will be good

In my words may the force be with you... especially meghan.. muah

your overly crazed authoress,

Caiti


	4. Chapter 4

Finally... I updated.. lol.. sorry it took so long.. I was concentrating on another story.. oh well.. at least now you've got your update.. so enjoy it!

**Review Responses:**

music nerd- LoL.. I like your version of the song better than mine.. very funny.. well I hope you enjoy this chapter.. thanks for the review..

maliaphire- yeah I loved the letter from Neal to Alanna too.. it was like my favorite part in the whole chapter... mucho gracias for the saweet review... i hope you like this chappie..

Miss Touched In The Head- thanks for such a lovely compliment.. its what I do best... make people double over in extreme laughter... lol... yeah that chapter was kinda silly.. lol... hope you like this chapter as much as the last.. thank you so much for the review...

On top of cloud 9- yep that's what I would say.. yeah I got a lil overboard on that chapter.. it was really fun to write though.. lol.. thanks so much for the awesome review.. keep em coming!

KunoichiGodess- Lol... yeah those darn squirells and those shish kabobs.. lol... yay I did get another review from you... I am soo uterly happy... I hope I get many more..lol.. thanks

MZ. STEFF MASBOLLE- ahh yes the jollyness... poor alanna.. she can't win against owen.. oh well... lol.. thanks for the review! And thank you so very much!

Kaladelia Undomiel- haha I usually say ur mom to my lil browhen I have nothing else to say.. lol.. I am sorry that you didnot like that.. ( .. oh well.. yeah well neal is jacked.. cuz he's hott.. and hott people should be jacked.. it's just the law of the land... yeah jon might make a reappearance in the next chapter.. maybe... lol... thanxs for the review!

Pink Squishy Llama- Neal is crazy.. what can I say? oh yes Yay for Numair to you tooo... well I really really hope you liked it and thank you times a million for the review.. and hopefully you will review this chapter.. PLEASE!

music nerd- haha i didnt even notice you reviewed twice this chapter.. yay for randomness! I love total randomness too.. and guess what? your puppy eyes paid off cuz I updated!

LandUnderWave- chipmunk stew.. a personal favorite of mine.. lol.. not really.. okay.. what does race cars mean? you probably don't remember cuz you left this review.. hmm.. three months ago.. wow I am bad... thanks for the spectacular review!

Nativewildmage- my favorite persoN! may the force be with you too.. I know your watching the world cup! And it totally rocks! I just love it like my mother.. did you see USA vs. Italy.. there were like 3 red cards.. man... well thanks for the review... as always.. lol..

A/N Yeah I know I haven't updated in three months and I am dreadfully sorry... but life is busy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.. Tammy does.. but why would she want to write something so unbelievabley silly? hmm

Enjoy!

* * *

Alanna groaned, as the bell chimed to signal a new day. It had been an interesting and long ball last night and she was very tired (and slightly hung over from it might I add).

She had flopped to her side to see that George must have been already up and about, because he was gone.

She sighed, got up reluctantly and stretched, her old bones cracking in the process.

A loud knock brought the lady knight to her senses.

"You can come in," Alanna hollered. "It's open!"

Gary came in looking very flustered.

"Alanna I think you started a war with Carthak!" he shouted. "According to Mikhail it's all over parfaits!"

"So what? They insulted me." Alanna huffed.

"Alanna!" he shouted. "Tortall can't afford to start a war right now, and certainly not over a ridiculous thing like, ice cream!" He spat out the last two words like they were poison.

"Relax Gary," Alanna said coolly. "They'll just see that I have mad skills with a sword, be afraid, and go home."

"Alanna you're in your fifties now." Gary shouted. "You aren't as good as you used to be!"

"Gareth," Alanna shouted, appalled. "How dare you insult my skills with a sword? I can beat you silly right now, if I wanted to."

"I'm sure you can." snapped Gary. "But as I said before we are old! There are younger men out there, which are quicker than you and me now." Alanna rolled her eyes. "You need to get that through your thick skull!" He added, harshly.

"Speaking of thick skulled people, here's Neal now." She said as Neal entered the room. He glared at her. "How was your night at the stocks? Did you catch up with any good friends?"

"Ha, ha, ha, Alanna, very funny." said Neal sarcastically. "I guess you'll soon be joining them, once the Tortallan people find out you started a war with Carthak."

"You've been eavesdropping." Alanna accused, shouting in the process.

"I know." said Neal, smirking. "It is one of my best talents, that and throwing parties."

Alanna and Gary tried to hold back their laughter, except they failed and began laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor.

"Ah," said Alanna after her laughing fit was over. ", Neal, that was a good one. For a second there I thought you were serious."

"I was!" Neal shrieked. When they began laughing again, Neal turned up his nose and said, "I am shunning you."

"Good," Alanna said. "Now that you're shunning us you can leave. Now scram," Neal began walking away and Alanna added viciously, ",meathead,"

"I am not a meathead!" he cried, slamming the door behind him.

"Thank Mithros that's over," Alanna said before turning back to Gary. "So when is Carthak deploying the troops?"

"Today," Gary cried. "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

"Oh shit," Alanna cursed. "Jon's going to freaking kill me!"

"That's the least of our worries right now!" Gary shouted. "We need to send out our troops, now!"

"Um okay," said Alanna. "By the power invested in me, I here by proclaim that, um, Tortall will send troops to Carthak, tada!"

"Oh joy, you finally got the royalty part down." Gary said sarcastically.

"Hey!" Alanna cut in. "It's very hard,"

"Yeah, very hard to start an all out war with Carthak, over ice cream," Gary shot back.

"Just go about your business, naïve, and ready the troops." said Alanna.

"I am not a naive!" Gary argued.

"Whatever, Gary," said Alanna. "Go, you have the queen's blessing and all that other fancy stuff."

Gary growled and muttered something under his breath, than left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Alanna sighed. She didn't understand why Gary was worked up about an itsy bitsy war. Wars happened all the time. Heck, Alanna was apart of at least three or four since her squire years. She found them kind of fun.

* * *

Alanna was confident that her people would still love her, even if she had started a war with Carthak. So that morning she decided to make a grand entrance into the mess hall, trumpets, red carpets and all. Hey, she was queen after all. What's the point of being important, if you can't rub it in everyone's faces?

"Hello Queen," a familiar voice said before she would be announced into the mess hall.

It was the same herald from last night.

"Hey, you told me heralding was your night job." Alanna said.

"It is." he responded, curtly.

"Than what in Mithros' name are you doing here?" Alanna asked.

"Well," he began. "A messenger woke me up at six in the morning, to tell me that the queen needed a herald. So I ran all the way here, just to announce to the frickin mess hall, that you're here to eat breakfast. And that's how I am spending my morning, when I could have been sleeping!" He pointed to the dark blue and purple bags under his eyes. "Sleeping," He repeated this time in a shout.

Alanna chuckled nervously. "Eh, sorry about that herald," she said inching away from him slowly. "It will only take a few seconds."

"I know," He said bluntly. ", that's why I am furious!"

Alanna gulped.

"Well, you know the drill." Alanna said. "Just basically say this. Presenting, your great, almighty, temporary ruler, Queen Lady Knight Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau, got it?"

The herald's eye twitched. "Oh, I got it."

"Good," She pressed a coin into the herald's hand. "That's a good man,"

Unfortunately for Alanna, the herald's eye still twitched in anger and hatred. So, she decided to give it a rest and just get it over with.

The trumpets blared, signaling the hall, that the herald was about to speak.

"Presenting, your great, almighty, temporary ruler, Queen Lady Knight Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau." the herald announced.

Alanna walked into the mess hall on her red carpet, expecting the whole room to erupt into applause, but sadly she was mistaken. The room was so quiet. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, someone shouted, "You idiot. You started a war with Carthak!"

The room immediately became filled with shouts of anger and displeasure to Alanna's dislike.

The worse part was someone actually shouted that Jon was a better ruler than her. '_Jon,'_ Alanna thought bitterly. ',_ couldn't even tie his own shoes without someone's help.'_

A string of curses poured out of the lady knight's mouth. She hated that people continued to talk poorly about her when she was only standing two feet away. Her patience was beginning to wear thin.

"Will everyone just shut up?" Alanna shouted, angrily.

The room became death quiet.

"Thank you," She said pleasantly and cleared her throat. "So yeah, I know, I started a war over ice cream."

People began to talk again.

"Silence," She screamed. "Be quiet so I can explain."

"I would listen to her if I were you." a familiar voice said echoing through the mess hall. "She'll tear you apart in seconds if you don't. Believe me, I should know." Alanna smirked, knowing it was Neal. "I took her unmerciful beatings for four years. And boy, does she have a hard hand. Once in Irontown-"

"Queenscove..." Alanna began, wanting to strangle Neal for being such an imbecile.

"Oh," said Neal turning red. "Sorry my dear, almighty ex-knight mistress,"

"Much better," She mumbled. "Now, as I was saying before," She continued. "This war isn't just about ice cream. No, it's more than that." She climbed up on top of a table, so she could see all the people. "It's those, dirty, Carthakis, who have brought war upon us. They have insulted us as a people and our rulers. They have cut us deep to the core and have told us we are nothing! But they are wrong! We will not stand around like weaklings and let our great country be insulted. No, we must fight and prove to the world that Tortall is the greatest and that they should show us respect, we deserve. So who's with me? Who wants to bring down those maggots and make them into the dirt that they are?"

A loud cheer echoed through the room.

"For Tortall," Alanna shouted unsheathing her sword and holding it out valiantly.

"For Tortall," the rest of the men and Kel shouted, unsheathing their swords and holding them high.

"So let's go men and women," Alanna shouted. "Hop on your horses and head for Port Cayann with me. To war we ride!"

Alanna hopped off the table and began walking towards the stables to fetch her horse, Dark Moon.

The mess hall erupted into cheers and the people got up and followed Alanna to the stables.

She hopped on Dark Moon.

"Men and Kel," said Alanna addressing the group that was outside the stables. "We ride at noon. Are you with me?"

The group replied in a roar.

"Excellent," said Alanna grinning. "Let's get this thing started than!"

* * *

well hope you like it.. drop tons of reviews.. and yeah..

Adios...

Love, your demented authoress,

Caiti


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